You’re not alone.
According to research (but don’t quote me on this), about 90% of moms regularly experience maternal guilt. We get constantly nagged by the feeling that our best is not enough. And since we think our shortcomings and unwanted outbursts are “crimes”, the mommy guilt eats us up — REAL BAD.
Well, just so you know, mother’s guilt is normal. Totally normal. Maybe it’s naturally embedded to our DNAs the moment we become a mom? I don’t know. But I know I experience mother’s guilt, too. A lot. And I’m pretty sure a lot of moms out there feel the same way sometimes. Just know that no matter how guilty you feel, make sure to wield that guilt into something positive.
Here are ways to deal with mother’s guilt. Let’s call it:
NOTES TO SELF
#1 I am not a Robomom.
News flash! You’re not a Robomom, you’ll never be one, and no one in the world except, perhaps, you, expects you to be. So chill.
#2 We should not judge ourselves based on the book.
As a mom, we all want to do things the “right way”. But, there is usually not one right way to everything. So take that pressure off. There are a lot of self-help books, parenting manuals, what have you, and while these can be really handy guides, you cannot possibly “copy” 100% of it. Besides, we are different people with different children, different situations, different lives. So if you’ve missed a few pointers from the book, relax. Chances are, even the author isn’t able to completely be “that mom” 100% of the time.
#3 Parenting and perfection is an impossible duo.
Parenting involves a lot of trial and error, experimentation and a boatload of I’m-going-crazy-I-just-wanna-pull-my-hair moments. From trying out different diaper brands, milk formula, vitamins, schools, food to endless attempts to seamlessly handle tantrums, parents are bound to make mistakes. The important thing is, we always try our best (no matter how many time we seem to fail). Of course, make sure these gaffes are NOT life-threatening.
#4 Laugh.
You don’t need to sweat the small stuff. Every now and then, you should learn to laugh at your own fluffs and crunches.
#5 The “shoulds train” is not a healthy ride.
With a rising number of “parenting police” these days, we mothers often catch ourselves aboard the “good parent shoulds” train — a ride that tells you what good mothers should do and not do. These “shoulds” usually stem from social expectations and family pressures, but again, as mentioned in #2, we are not all the same. You can cherrypick some tips and styles but always do what works best for you and your family. Turn “what I should do” into “what I could do.”
#6 Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Despite having a lot of “mishaps” and committing a lot of “crime”, you have to learn how to shift your focus from time to time. Think: What things have I done right? This positivity helps lift up your spirit and lulls the guilt that weighs you down.
#7 Mommy guilt is a sign of love.
Having that mother’s guilt only means you care. It means you only want the best for your child(ren) and a single “warning” to be better alarms you. This can be a healthy motivation to be the best version of mom you can be.
#8 Remember:
YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH.
“Behind every great kid is a mom who’s pretty sure she’s screwing it up.”
Mother’s guilt is a motivator; an internal alarm system that allows us to pay better attention to how we are as a parent; a natural consequence of wanting to be a good mom to our kids. It is also a chance for us to understand ourselves and our child(ren) better. In turn, we have to make our children understand that parents, or life in general, is not perfect. This helps them accept imperfections and build resilience. This doesn't mean, however, that you should never apologize to your child. Certain situations actually call for an apology -- one that'll help you foster a healthy relationship with your kids as well as teach them to be well-mannered and kind-hearted human beings.
While mother’s guilt seems to be something that needs to be “cured”, you need to understand that it can still be a healthy part of motherhood. You just have to learn how to deal with it. Otherwise, it can make you judge yourself and make you feel inadequate. Well, momma, YOU’RE NOT INADEQUATE. YOU ARE ENOUGH. AND YOU ARE A SUPERHERO IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WAY. Here’s a cyber-pat on your back for a great job at mothering. (*pat pat pat*) We can do this. 💪🏻
